Dan Bilzerian’s New Years Resolutions
Monday, 5 January 2015
As imagined by Paul Seaton.
OK, so 2014 was a fairly run of the mill year for the man they call ‘Blitz’. Dan Bilzerian threw a girl off his roof into the swimming pool (via a pool-side broken foot, bygones), taught ‘Mini-Me’ how to play poker and bluffed Jean-Robert Bellande out of half a million bucks. By his standards, it was a quiet one.
2015 is upon us, so what can the bearded ‘Baron of Badass’ do to make the next twelve ?months a bit more exciting? Lawyer on speed-dial…
Roof Is On Fire
OK, so a little roof stunt went wrong. A model held onto Blitz’s bicep a split-second too long and ended up breaking her foot on her way into the water. It happens, pretty much on a weekly basis, in almost every town. Probably. So what could prevent this from tragic mistake being made by a model every time? Fire. Yes, you heard us - a curtain of roaring flames around the roof perimeter would encourage anyone being hurled off Blitz Palace to throw themselves nearer the centre of the pool, rendering Blitz’s perfect torso-tossing technique intact. Plus, flames, ooh…
First Blitz gets a beard, now everyone else wants to wear a bit of facial furniture. As we all know, the history books show that Bilzerian invented the beard in 1980, arriving on the planet with a full Brian Blessed.
Somehow, three decades later, other males (let’s not call them men) have decided to try a little face-fuzz too, Movembering their way towards Decembeard thking they’re hot shizzle. They’re not. With a prevailing wind, 2015 could see Blitz wearing the longest beard since records began. Hopefully, by the end of the year, it’s all he’ll be wearing.
Smushball For President Cats only live for fifteen years or so, and Smushball, the Persian Doll Face (that’s an official classification, not a pet-name), is approaching two years old. In cat years, she’s ready to join Blitz on all fours at the foam party. But with Obama’s second term coming to a close, why not make a run for the White House cat-flap? Bilzerian’s love of this pussy (steady on) shows no bounds, and ‘Merica needs a female president…what’s not to like? Plus, ‘Smush’ is hardly afraid to get her claws out in congress. She’ll – literally – be the cat’s whiskers!
Get Married In Space If he’s ever going to get hitched, at 34 years old, now might be the time. But a ceremony on Earth? Get serious. It’s time to make the vow up in the big wow as zero gravity makes holy matrimony a truly out of this world commitment. Providing a hospitable moon-base can be built in time, each daily cycle on our planet can pass in just ninety minutes. By our calculations, assuming congress was achieved each day of a week’s break, this would mean 112 sessions of legendary interstellar loving in seven Earth days, beating Bilzerian’s previous best sexual marathon by at least a few minutes.
King Of The Mini-Me’s Not Bilzerian, dweebs. He’s eight foot nine if you’re being conservative, eight foot ten with the Navy SEAL cap. But after teaching Verne Troyer a thing or two about poker in the BGO advert, it’s quite clear that Troyer now considers Blitz (as we all do) something of a God. Formally ‘In the Navy’, Bilzerian would command respect from any troop, but a platoon of mini-me’s? Try shaking them off your tail. The tactical brain of Blitz and a miniature army of doom? Conquering a country is a certainty.
Giant Guns We’re not talking about the daily gun show that keeps packing them in at the pool, but weaponry. Blitz has got the kind of armoury that the U.S. military is jealous of – OK, we’re jealous – but clearly the giganto-cannon (pictured left) is next on the list. After conquering a foreign land and renaming it Bilzeria, the borders might need a little protection. What says ‘ID is required at border control’ like staring down the barrel of a gun that could comfortably home a family of four?